Swan Song:2009

With a New Year quickly approaching, it seems fitting to reflect upon the last year and oneself. I don’t believe that I am alone in saying that 2009 was a difficult, trying year.

Clearly, the economy was a huge downer. There were many that struggled far more than I and it was heartbreaking to hear the hardships of the people I know and love in addition to millions of Americans suffering.

I can’t say that I am really reflecting on the weight of the world right now…more of the weight of my world. It seems like such a long year, one that that has dragged on. Last winter seems like decades ago, even though it wasn’t. I feel as though I have been spending this whole year in limbo…waiting for my life to change. Waiting to graduate college, waiting to land a job, waiting for everything to fall into place.

In that time of limbo, I believe that I have settled, made excuses for myself and given myself contingencies… “ when this happens…then I will do that.” It is no way to spend a year. It is no way to spend a life. I do not look fondly upon this year in terms of my own action and growth. I have not grown as a person. There were certainly things beyond my control in 2009 but many within…

There were many positive things. I became a dog owner, I saw a close childhood friend get married, loved my family, made new friends, explored Greece, graduated college and found that job. However, I would like to feel overall positive instead of only being able to highlight positives.

I’m determined to change in 2010. I’ve spent all of December thinking of it. I am determined to regain control and live a life I’m proud of. Right now, I don’t feel like I’m living it right…and that is my greatest fear—to waste life away.

I’m scared. I’m terrified of failure. I just know, deep down inside, that I this is the year I become an adult. This is the year I take control.