Swan Song:2009

With a New Year quickly approaching, it seems fitting to reflect upon the last year and oneself. I don’t believe that I am alone in saying that 2009 was a difficult, trying year.

Clearly, the economy was a huge downer. There were many that struggled far more than I and it was heartbreaking to hear the hardships of the people I know and love in addition to millions of Americans suffering.

I can’t say that I am really reflecting on the weight of the world right now…more of the weight of my world. It seems like such a long year, one that that has dragged on. Last winter seems like decades ago, even though it wasn’t. I feel as though I have been spending this whole year in limbo…waiting for my life to change. Waiting to graduate college, waiting to land a job, waiting for everything to fall into place.

In that time of limbo, I believe that I have settled, made excuses for myself and given myself contingencies… “ when this happens…then I will do that.” It is no way to spend a year. It is no way to spend a life. I do not look fondly upon this year in terms of my own action and growth. I have not grown as a person. There were certainly things beyond my control in 2009 but many within…

There were many positive things. I became a dog owner, I saw a close childhood friend get married, loved my family, made new friends, explored Greece, graduated college and found that job. However, I would like to feel overall positive instead of only being able to highlight positives.

I’m determined to change in 2010. I’ve spent all of December thinking of it. I am determined to regain control and live a life I’m proud of. Right now, I don’t feel like I’m living it right…and that is my greatest fear—to waste life away.

I’m scared. I’m terrified of failure. I just know, deep down inside, that I this is the year I become an adult. This is the year I take control.

Bah Humbug?!?

I cannot seem to find the holiday spirit. Don’t misunderstand me, I am definitely enjoying the perks of the holidays but I don’t feel that special, internal buzz.

I’m certainly no Grinch, but I can’t help but think that perhaps my heart has grown 3 sizes too small. I always am anxiously anticipating the arrival of December! I drink Peppermint Mochas in November. I make lists, I save, I plan, I bake…I am always the spirit of Christmas incarnate. This year is just different. I believe that the problem with all of the above is that there is too much “I” and too much expectation. Right?

2009 has been a difficult year for everyone. I think everyone is feeling a little roll over and go to sleep (if you catch my drift) Stepping back for perspective, I have nothing to feel ungrateful or sadness about. Guess the end of the year has caused me to become reflective. Perhaps I am not “Little Miss Christmas” this year. Through all of this Christmas strife, I’ve found that most people struggle through the holidays—and for better reasons than not just “being in the mood.”